the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
