Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
