Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
