Having a random hookup so left but love u
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
