Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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