My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
