i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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