I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
