He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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