if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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