tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
