we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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