he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
