I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
