She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
