hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
