I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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