$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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