there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
