Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You made out with two different species that night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
