Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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