grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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