I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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