Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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