Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
