i jhust puked up my retainher.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
