i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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