Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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