He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
