So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
