there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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