did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
