how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
