apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
