you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
