My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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