im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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