sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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