Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
