the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
