sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
