shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
