I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
