only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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