I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There's always time for handjobs
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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