It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And then he peed in my hair
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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