Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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