Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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