Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
