Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
