Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
