i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
